The Noob Father-Gardener Bites off More Than He Can Chew

Ambitious early plantings have led to a crowded garden – where the vegetables themselves are hard to spot. Going organic has not helped matters either.

It’s a jungle in there. Literally and figuratively.

Your friendly dad from Jersey, the author of this blog and forthcoming book, will soon require a machete to comb through his harvest to procure edible veggies.

The carrots are beside themselves. “Dude, planting us next to squash and zucchini plants? What were you thinking? Piss off!” They get little to no sunlight due to the oversized leaves from said plants, so maybe I’ll get some baby carrots, but not many.

The tomato section of the garden looks like a mosh pit toward the end of a Rage Against the Machine concert. They are flopping over; stems knock into one another when it rains or the wind blows and the strings holding them up are too numerous.

The peppers gave up early—they didn’t even grow one inch. My flaccid pepper plants (which I have nothing in common with for the record) are free to die whenever they choose to do so.

And in a fitting middle finger, the plants are not producing like they did last year when I heaped Miracle-Gro on them and harvested a bounty of vegetables. I was handing out cucumbers and tomatoes at an equal pace compared to the master of ceremonies at Mardi Gras when he/she hands out beads!

This year, not so much.

This gardener will need a price check on broccoli in aisle 10 when his humble ass goes to the supermarket in a month or so.

Don’t even ask me about the butternut squash.

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