Remedy for the Cicada-Pocalypse—Lethal Bug Zappers

Trillions of Cicadas, zombies from the tomb, will soon appear—here’s what you need to defend yourself.

Cicadas don’t bite, spread disease, or eat crops like a plague of locusts. They will however annoy and scare the living daylights out of you in the months to come.

The best defense, therefore, is offense and there’s one particular tool that is better suited to deal with these pests.

And that is to electrocute them without mercy and take pleasure in seeing them die an untimely death.

I have had the pleasure of doing so in my backyard for years when yellow jackets, for example happen to disturb a pleasant day of sunshine. I enjoy watching their burned corpses tumble to the ground after I zap them. Having the ability to do so in one’s home is even more rewarding, because flying insects do not pay rent.

The best tool I am referring to is the tennis-racquet shaped bug swatter, yet there’s no need to swat anything. All one has to do is get close, apply the electrified grid to the torso of the annoying pest, and then the voice inside your head can cheerily sing along to the chorus from the song, Bodies: “Let The Bodies Hit the Floor!”

I introduced my son to this process when he was four years old, which I would not recommend given the enthusiasm he displayed while doing so. He purposely tried to find bugs to zap regardless if they were beneficial to the ecosystem. Fortunately, he did not kill any bees, but this is representative of a ‘Dad-fail’ on my part.

Don’t be cheap: get the highest voltage you can. Cicadas are larger than most insects, so you will need extra juice to fry them.

And if you’re concerned with the humanitarian aspects of killing these insects, kindly remember they are not human, nor are they on the endangered species list.

And if your neighbor is an animal-rights activist, I suggest following the provided advice to deal with these folks in the same manner. Get close… apply the electrified grid to the activist’s torso…

…Okay that’s a bit extreme but you’ll thank me when you have one of these on hand when a trillion cicadas rise from the dead.

This summer… it’s killed or be killed. Be the hunter.

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